A breakup is tricky business, and this is especially so for men because many of them have been told that showing emotions is a sign of weakness.
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- 1 So instead of properly dealing with their hurt, and the hurt they might have caused someone else, a lot of men just ignore the pain or handle it in wrong unhealthy ways.
So instead of properly dealing with their hurt, and the hurt they might have caused someone else, a lot of men just ignore the pain or handle it in wrong unhealthy ways.
Pulse linked up with ‘Jola Sotubo, author of a critically acclaimed breakup memoir, “Love Letter to My Ex.” Jola is super passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and move on cleanly from those that did not work.
And speaking from a wealth of experience and hands-on work, she says here are some toxic ways men handle breakups:
Ghosting is no longer new to anyone who has been wading the muddy waters of modern dating in Nigeria [or anywhere in the world].
“Ghosting seems to be the order of the day now, but to be honest it’s nothing but glorified cowardice. If you want to break up with a woman or end whatever arrangement you both might have had, then say it with your chest,” is Jola‘s advise.
It speaks volume of the type of man you are if you can speak up, no matter how difficult or awkward that conversation would be. To do otherwise is to create more problems than necessary.
“When you ghost a woman you leave her with even more questions that necessary and make it even more difficult for her to leave you alone. If you truly want a relationship to end, say so,” she says.
‘Jola believes that the lies men use when breaking up with women are old, tired, overused, cliche and really just annoying at this point.
“Almost every woman who’s been through a break up has heard the same lies over and over again. “It’s not me, it’s you,” “I’m not ready for a relationship now,” I’m afraid of commitment,” “God told me to break up with you,” “My mother doesn’t like you” and so on,” she says.
While there might be external factors making you break up with a woman, at the end of the day, you’re making a choice, and once again it comes down to taking responsibility for your own actions instead of trying to deflect them to something or someone else.
“Own it, own your shit. Tell that woman, you’re not interested anymore. The truth hurts but telling someone the truth shows that you respect them. Tell that truth as kindly as you can, but tell it like it is.”
ALSO READ: Seeking closure after a breakup is overrated
3. Being mean
Here, the admonishment is simple; you do not need to be mean to someone to show them that your relationship is over.
In the author’s words: “you can be firm and strong and put your foot down if necessary, but there’s no need to be mean. If you once loved a person or claimed to have feelings, the least you owe them is compassion and kindness.”
4. Going into denial
Ah. The all-time classic! Denial.
So here’s the thing about denial. It is one of the well-recognised stages of handling grief, pain or something else we find it hard to come to terms with.
And this is how this plays into a relationship narrative.
A lot of men handle breakups by pretending the relationship never meant that much to them. They pretend to be going on with their merry little lives as if the time spent in the relationship was a joke.
“This might seem like a macho thing to do, but it’s another little boy move. It’s okay to admit that you lost something, because that is what emotionally healthy people do. Admit your pain, and then move on. Don’t pretend you don’t care,” Jola says.
For some reason, some men believe the way to heal from a broken relationship, is to get into another one – and as you may have guessed, that just does not make sense in the grand scheme of healing and truly moving on.
‘Jola says “rebound relationships are unfair to both you and the new person you’re dating because the relationship is built on a lie. Take the time to heal after a relationship before you jump into a new one.”
This will give you better chances of actually having a stronger relationship than the last one.